how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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