went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
