come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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