I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
