you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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