every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
