I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Randomize
