i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
