Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
