He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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