I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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