i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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