Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize