The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize