I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
