Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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