I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
