Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
