The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
