i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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