I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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