i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
