so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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