dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
