Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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