Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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