Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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