I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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