11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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