I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
