when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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