Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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