If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
