Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
