Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
