it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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