Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
