I am in a vortex of obligation.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
