I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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