We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
