I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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