your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
