Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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