I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
