Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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