she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Randomize
