I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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