sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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