apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
