He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
