there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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