I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
