I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
