Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
