If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
