he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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